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abwhite
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This was delivered to me by mistake. Was it from you? Dear Alcohol, First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I Feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review. 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am. 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. 4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. 5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***'is illegal from now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. 6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm-hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter)activities. Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would Like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of Great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan Anatomy of a Shark Bite (on Discovery) confirmed my resolve never to put toe one in salt water again. They guy being attacked by the bull shark didn't freak me out nearly as much as the girl having her leg ripped off by the great white. It wasn't very nice of the expert (and bull shark victim) to tell the girl that it wouldn't have happened if her friends hadn't taken a boat out to rescue her (the shark thought the boat was a competing predator). Not nice at all. Had a little scare while watching a movie on cable. The Emergency Notification System came on with a "THIS IS NOT A TEST" message. Having grown up at the end of the cold war, I knew that this could only mean one thing; the nuclear bombs are coming, we're all going to die. It took waking Joe up, so I could use the antenna TV in the bedroom, for me to realize that some dickwit at Cox cable hit the wrong freaking button for their monthly test. I hope s/he stubs his/her toe or something equally painful, for scaring the shit out of me like that! Had a brief, but nice conversation with Trick tonight. He needs a scanner, so he bought a decorative clock. Also spoke with my mother-in-law. She's been having a rough week. Joe and I will have to send her something to make her smile.
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2003-08-11 |
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