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I'm not really sure if I chould call this the Cracker Barrel tour, or EVERYBODY's moving.... After finding out that we couldn't drive up to the wedding and that I'd have to find my way alone, I flew up to Nashville so that I could drive up with Mums and the new beau, Donald. Let me start by saying that Nashville is GORGEOUS! What an amazing state my mother will be living in. The mountains and the trees, like a beautiful dream. Anyway, Donald had to make a sales call in Indianapolis, so we hit the road (after a brief stop at a much needed dog-trainer for Don's crazy doberman, Cherokee) Wednesday morning. Wednesday was a three Cracker Barrel day. Good food, but it started getting old kind of fast. We stayed at a Red Roof (see cheap and basic) Inn while Donald sold some ball screws (see $1000+_precision screws) to Rolls Royce and some other company. Actually, he only did Rolls Royce on Thursday, had to do the other company on Friday morning. Thursday was a 2 Cracker Barrel day with a pizza night. Friday, after breakfast at (you guessed it) Cracker Barrel, we hit the road for Michigan. Once we entered Wayne County, I tried to call Trick and Deven (with whom I was to be staying), only to discover that they had moved, like that day! Let me clarify this, they had moved, their stuff was still in the other house that is easily twice the size of the cute new house they're living in. My mother got directions to the new digs (in West Dogbone) and we went to eat. Not (thank goodness) Cracker Barrel! Stuffed to the brim with hummous, we headed to the new place. If you're ever going to visit Trick and Deven, get directions from Deven. I love Trick dearly, but he gives directions about as well as I pee standing up. We found the house (miraculously) with little trouble and Mum's and Donald dropped me at the curb. Bridemaid's dress held above my head and suitcase wheels wobbling, I made my way to the door where I had the GREAT pleasure of meeting Mr. T (T's hubby)! While bare of furniture, the new house was cozy and, as always, Trick and Deven were MOST hospitable, even in the most inconvienent of circumstances. Trick, Mr. T., Deven and I hung out on the floor over a few beers (when I discovered to my chagrin that T was out of town until after I would be leaving. I will have to meet her on another occasion :( ) then we all retired for the evening (Mr T. to his own, Oakland County, home). I awoke Saturday morning to two loving dogs (darling Hubbany and evil youps) on my air mattress and a purring kitten (Bugwe) on my hip. After running brushes through my teeth and hair, I made my way to the living room where I discovered that dear Deven was out packing boxes at the old house and Trick was trying to heal his beleagured gallbladder. How kind these people are to be playing hosts to me while their own lives are in such turmoil! Speaking of kind, there was a knock at the door which I opened to discover Mr. T. with a case of beer and a small fridge to tide Trick and Deven over until they can get an appropriate larger model. What amazing friends Trick and Deven have and deserve! After finding out where and when the Rehersal was and that I couldn't wear jeans (arrgh!), I put on a wrinkeld, poorly fitting skirt and kind, kind Mr. T. drove me to the rehersal, with a brief stop for pantyhose, which the kind man insisted on paying for! I arrived at the (beautiful gold roofed) church only to discover (ugh) that half the people were wearing jeans! We did a quick walk through on what was to be the most unique (this coming from a woman who had an elvis wedding) ceremony I was ever to take part in. All of the bridal party, save the couple, Kristen, the best man and Maggie's uncle, was to stay in the aisle, then move to the front pews for the remainder of the ceremony. Paul (who is easily a foot taller than Maggie) was to spend the majority of the ceremony on his knees with his forhead touching Maggie's forehead. Poor dears probably cramped up durring the actual wedding! After the rehersal, we all went to Buddy's (Maggie drove me) where they PRAYED before chowing down on the pizza. Maggie and paul gave their attendants small gifts. Kristen and I got kungfu shoes which we all used to live in in high school. That was a neat bit of nostalgia. Just before they handed out the bags, Paul said a few words and got a bit on the weepy side. It was cute and touching. After the dinner, I insisted that Trick and I go to the old house to help Deven pack and move boxes. Fortunately, this tired me out enough to get me to sleep, despite my nerves about the wedding the next day. Sunday morning, Kristen picked me up (late)for our hair appointment and we flew to the salon. Maggie looked so beautiful with her hair and make-up that I got a bit weepy and she had to order no crying so that she wouldn't smudge her make-up. Maggie paid for everything! Kristen dropped me off at Trick and Deven's where I applied my make-up and waited, while Trick got dressed, for the last possible moment to get into my Bridesmaid dress. We got all gussied up then Trick and I drove to.............. THE WEDDING Let me start this bit by saying that ANYONE who decides to get married in Michigan, in October AND put her bridesmaids in sleeveless dresses is a cruel and sadistic person. Much to my horror, I discovered that I was the fat Bridesmaid. I think I will try home liposuction now that I'm back. We were all a bit late getting to the point where we were to start the long walk up the aisle, because so many late-comers kept walking past. We finally got a break in the late ones to (literally) run to our starting point and make the stroll to our positions. Maggie was STUNNING walking down the aisle in her gown and Paul looked suitably impressed. Maggie and Kristen Made their way to Paul and his brother and then they began............ THE VOWS I knew we were in trouble when the priest started talking about how Eve came out of Adam's rib. But I never thought that wedding vows could be THIS sexist and scary! Paul is her LORD and Maggie is his CHURCH? What the fuck? She had to vow to do as her husband commands and he to treat her well and keep her in comfort. I was not the only person mortified by this. Maggie promised before god (who she actually believes in) and everybody to be Paul's obedient DOG! By chanting "I will not ruin Margaret's wedding", over and over under my breath, I was able to stop myself from blurting out an objection to this nonsense they were pledging. After the scary as hell vows, the happy couple walked to the altar where they had plastic crowns jammed on their heads (you should have seen the crease marks on Maggie's forehead after it was over), got on their knees with their foreheads touching and had her 70 (on Dec. 5) year old uncle hold a heavy gold cross over their heads (one handed). That part was actually pretty neat. There was no "you may kiss the bride" or "I now pronounce you man and wife". Just a bunch of singing in Armenian (also neat) and sitting in thrones and stuff. Basically, with the exception of Maggie vowing to act like live-stock for the rest of her life, the ceremony was lovely and interesting. Once it was all over (only an hour!), all the attendants and immediate family met for....... THE PHOTOS Now, if you MUST get married in October and feel that you HAVE to put your bridesmaids in sleeveless dresses please, I beseech you, don't have ALL OF THE FORMALS taken outside! My nipples are STILL frozen! Hopefuly, the photographer was good enough to ensure that the dents, made by the plastic crown, in Maggie's forehead don't show! After what seemed an eternity naked in the tundra, we all went in for......... THE RECEPTION I had the good fortune of meeting Paul's brilliant writer friend, Josh, who's stories I've been reading via email for over a year now. He's just as nifty as I thought he would be. And what a nice young man! Paul's sisters and brothers are darling, especially the 13 year old sister who, in my opinion, may end up ruling the world some day. The food was GREAT, Paul and Margaret looked so elegant and RIGHT together. Trick, who was convinced that he would have a miserable time, had his own fan-club going and even ended up taking some of my old highschool buddies and Maggie's cousin out the the parking lot for a joint! He got to hear about how all my friends had SCREAMING crushes on him when he was on back porch video and we were all in Jr high. I got to meet Kristen's daughters (the oldest of which I last saw when I was changing her diaper and is now 11). The oldest, Charloette, is an exremely rude little brat. Kristen had better do something about that before it becomes a bigger problem. I love difficult children and I was ready to choke the snotty little bitch! Maggie's cousin Courtney was TRES cool. She's a microbiologist, former stripper and meth addict, who is working for the CDC in Colorado. The girl knows her shit and is very VERY cool. We made plans for her to visit down here, in NOLa, and I hope she does! Christen (formerly Mathis) had her lovely hubby and her wonderful, poised little girl Loren with her. Now THAT is how you raise a family! If my children are as well behaved and savy as that one, I will be patting myself on the back BIG TIME! once the shin-dig was winding down, Trick and I headed out, fully intending to help Deven with the moving. Deven thought that wasn't such a great idea, so we watched Mulholland Drive instead. GREAT FLICK! Joe and I are going to have to buy it on DVD, posthaste! The next morning, Trick was ill (I later found out he was MAJOR hung-over) I had a screaming head-ache and Deven was at the old house packing and moving. I was supposed to stay until Tuesday, but (there was no phone so I found this out with 5 minutes notice) my mother and Donald showed up (with huge trailer full of mom's Michigan stuff) to take the Cracker Barrel tour back to Tennessee. We spent the night in Ohio then made the drive (2 Cracker Barrel stops total) to............. MOM'S NEW DIGS The land she bought is wonderful. It's wild and has lots of nifty out-buildings. The LAND is great. The house. Well the house.... The house is a double-wide trailer. I shit you not. My snobish, superior intellectual mother is going to be living in a double-wide in Tennessee! If the land wasn't so great, I'd just bury my head with shame and refuse to talk to anyone I know ever again. The land, being what it is, I'm hoping will encourage her to build an actual house to live in in the future. You know, one not made out of sheet metal and made to accomodate wheels. After unloading heavy assed boxes from the trailer that won't end, we (after a brief stop at a non-Cracker Barrel eatery) went back to Donalds house to collapse. Wednesday, We loaded my stuff in Donald's truck, grabbed a bite (not Cracker Barrel) then went to the farm where Donald keeps his horses. Lovely creatures, but I was more impressed with the dogs and the ass. From the farm, we headed to the airport where I boarded a plane that took me back to the loving and impoverished arms of my family of choice. I live in filth and poverty, but it's good to be home!
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2002-10-24 |
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